TO PREFACE
When I started this blog, I had a hard time figuring out what exactly I wanted it to be about. After reflection, I figured that I just wanted it to be about everything and anything I had on my mind. Throughout the last few years, I have experienced life changing growth. My mind is in a healthier place, allowing for memories to slowly start coming back. Through therapy, I have found that the reason for my absence of memories was likely due to the immense anxiety I experienced in childhood and even now. It’s still something I work on and try to be conscious of—the constant disassociating and mind wandering. I don’t have many memories of anything from my childhood, high school, or even my early twenties. It’s a sad reality I live with, but I have now been able to identify triggers and try and dig into why I could possibly be feeling the way I do. If there’s one thing I will do constantly is psychoanalyze myself and everyone around me, lol. Anyway, likely I have been in a constant state of “fight or flight” which makes memory “banking” hard for me as half the time it just feels as though I am simply existing— auto pilot if you will. However, this will be changing for me, as 2024 is the year of intention. This letter is reflection, maybe some of my younger audience can take this and reflect themselves or take it as advice. I know many people in my life have gone through similar things, I encourage you to write something similar to a younger you— this is for healing.
LETTER
Hi girl,
16, wow- it seems like every year gets more exciting as you are now a junior in high school. By the way, never dye your hair blonde again— all of those older guys who bullied you, were right. Still wasn’t cool of them, but NEVER AGAIN. First, we are fine— we are actually doing well. I know it always feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Here’s the thing, I want you to stop worrying about taking any mis-steps and just live your life. You are bound to make mistakes, but understanding and realizing that they don’t define who you are is important. Also, you are not going to be able to control everything, and yes to this day we are still working on that. I simply wish for you to start enjoying the unexpected. Just because you failed AP History, doesn’t mean you’re not smart or capable of hard things. You have to start believing in yourself if you want to get through highschool and college. It’s also okay if you want to change your career path, I know you’ve wanted to be a plastic surgeon since you were 10, buttttttttt— sorry. Remember it’s not the end of the world.
I know you’re probably wondering if future you will ever find love, and yes— of course you did. I just wish with all my heart that you would not place all of your worth in a mans eyes, I wish you wouldn’t sacrifice your peace to be noticed or recognized by men who honestly could care less for your well-being. It’s okay to be single, it’s okay to be alone. A relationship will NOT define your happiness, I know you want love and to be loved so badly, but no company is better than bad company. You cannot rely on anyone to make you happy, you have to find that for yourself. And by the way, you need to start surrounding yourself with people who have your best interests at heart. No, you do not need to be friends with everyone, quality over quantity, Ry. Honestly, while we are on the topic of friends and romantic relationships— you don’t need to impress anyone, stop pretending like your feelings aren’t valid and that you have to bury them to seem like “you’re not like other girls”. Being vulnerable and sensitive is one of your best qualities, you don’t have to be any different because you want to seem calm, cool, and collected. Babe, that’s not you— and that’s OKAY. Another thing to mention, is to stop being naive. You know the intentions of men, do not be falling for the manipulations of them. They don’t like you, they don’t love you, they don’t want to be with you. Listen to your dad when he warns you of these things.
Please be more nice to your mom, she is and will always be your best friend. She only wants what is best for you, and truly does have your best interest at heart. If your wondering, you now have a good relationship with your dad, so don’t give up on that. Give your parents a bit of grace, it’s their first time living this life too. They’re not always going to be perfect and everyone is capable of change.
I know you are now at the age where the anxiety and depression have came into your life, not saying it hasn’t always been there— but i’m proud of you for talking to someone about it. Always remember that things will get better, but you cannot let it define you or let it take control of your life. Throughout the next few years you will go through the wringer, but remind yourself that YOU WILL NOT FEEL THE WAY YOU FEEL TOMORROW. Literally say out loud to yourself when you are in that place, that “I will not feel this way tomorrow”— trust me, you will avoid a lot of regret from rash decision making. Get some pony tails, and stop isolating yourself when you feel icky. There are a lot of people who care about you and will listen, you are not a burden for taking up any of their time. It’s okay to not be okay, but you HAVE to learn to pull yourself out. Stop hiding behind that smile and talk about what is wrong, and get a different therapist while you’re at it. Give yourself grace too, you don’t have to be everything.
Lastly, being healthy is not what is defined by the number on a scale. Tell your mom to get rid of all of the scales in the house, advocate for yourself in that regard. Being “skinny” is not going to make you feel any happier, so stop starving yourself and go treat yourself to ice cream every night if you want… because yeah…. About that, you really need to take advantage of your stomach right now. Eat all of your favorite things, ice cream, cheese, pizza, macaroni and cheese while you can… because yep, you guessed it, we are now lactose intolerant. I think the stomach problems are actually your fault, so please start eating again so I don’t have to have a colonoscopy at 25…. Trust me, we want to avoid that trauma.
To end this letter, I want you to know I am proud of you. You are so incredibly hard on yourself, which isn’t always fair to you. So start being proud of yourself, you don’t have to be everything. I wish you could see how I see you in my eyes now, almost 10 years later. I would do anything to protect you and am really proud of you and the person you are becoming. More importantly, I forgive you. I forgive you for all of the mistakes you have made. I forgive you for cutting off some really incredible friendships for stupid reasons. I forgive you for not knowing how some of your decisions would still impact you today. I forgive you for not knowing who to trust. I forgive you for being young and naive. And lastly, I forgive you for mentioning that boy in your graduation speech, you haven’t done this yet— but don’t.
Trust you, be you, love you. You are authentically you, trust in that and make every decision with your gut. I’ll love you forever girl. And please for the love of god, be selfish for once. Do something because you want to do it, not because it’s what you think is expected of you.
Love, your future 25 year old self
I hope you all enjoyed reading this if you got this far, and I encourage you to think about what you might say to your 16 year old self, 20 year old self, etc. I don’t think much would have changed if someone would have said all of these things to me, but its important to realize how small things can shape your life. You are a reflection of the people you surround yourself with. As much as I wish I could go back and rewrite the past, it’s important to look forward. I understand now that everything has happened to me for a reason, and I wouldn’t be who I am today without those events and traumas that shaped me.
XO, RYATHOME
